It’s so easy in the modern age for your boss or coworkers to fire off emails, texts, and requests during off hours. “I’ve got a juicy idea I want to run by you.” “Could you just take a ‘minute’ to look this over?” “Would you mind …?” If you feel stressed, overwhelmed, or obligated to work during your cherished down time, here’s how to set weekend boundaries with your boss.
Do you feel like you have to be “on call” all day, every day — weekends and nights, too — even if your job doesn’t technically include on call duties (like a doctor’s does, for instance)?
Or perhaps, even though you’re not expected to be on call, coworkers and supervisors contact you at all hours? And those notifications interrupt your down time, so you wish they’d respect your time off?
Maybe you’ve even made it clear that you won’t work weekends, but keep hearing from work, anyway?
If only they’d respect your boundaries.
If you can relate to any of the examples above, you probably wish the people you work with would respect your boundaries.
You might be thinking, “If only they wouldn’t call, text, or email at all, except during formal working hours. And maybe emergencies. That would solve the whole problem.”
You’re hoping they’ll change their behavior.
Some of the stress you’re feeling is a belief that your well-being is tied to their actions. If they quit calling on the weekend – yay! You get to enjoy the down time. You get to be happy! If they don’t, then boo. You don’t get your weekend. You don’t “get” to be happy.
But there are two problems with wanting other people to change in order to feel better:
- Your well-being is dependent on other people
- But you can’t control other people’s behavior
Here’s why that’s great news:
You don’t have to change them to be happy, or even to get your weekends off.
You can take care of your own thoughts and feelings, regardless of what others do, including your boss.
And you can control your response to others’ behavior.
And that can change everything about your weekends, and maybe even your whole relationship to work.
Watch video or read more to learn how.
Boundaries aren’t about getting other people to change.
“Boundaries are hard!” is something I hear a lot. Learning and practicing them can be so challenging that boundary work makes up a big chunk of the coaching work I do when helping clients create their dream careers.
Ground rule: Boundaries aren’t what you tell people to do.
Good boundaries are your own decisions about what works for you and what doesn’t – where to draw your proverbial line in the sand – and what action you’ll take if and when that line is crossed.
You don’t even have to tell people about your boundaries for them to be effective.
Why they don’t honor your boundaries yet. Hint: it’s you.
The main reason other people don’t respect your boundaries is simple. It’s not their job.
They’ve got their own thoughts, agendas, lives, and boundaries to keep track of and attend to.
An occasional rascal will violate your boundaries just because they can. See When to leave your job? How to know.
But let’s not rush to conclusions just yet. Most folks either don’t recognize your lines in the sand, they’ve got other priorities, or, even more likely, they’re confused by your behaviors and, therefore, about what your boundaries are.
So, if you’re feeling stressed about the emails, texts, and weekend requests, chances are you’re not clear about your own boundary. You’re likely very frustrated with the sender of those requests. How dare they! They should know it’s my day off and I need to turn off!
Seems like a clear boundary to you, doesn’t it?
But you’re not honoring it. If you were, your boss’s boundary violations wouldn’t bother you.
“What’s that, Jennifer? I’m perfectly clear: I want my time off to be my time off.”
Dear reader, that stress you feel when your phone beeps? It’s because you’re unclear.
If your boundary were solid, you’d turn the notifications off, respond with a quick, “Got it, thanks. I’ll dive in on Monday,” or skippily ignore your inbox until it’s time to work.
Maybe you believe you have to answer each request. Is that true? Is yours the kind of job where you’re on call? If not, you’ve probably got options. Start by getting clear on your current thinking.
Do you feel that you should respond, if someone reaches out during your days off?
Could you be sending mixed messages by working and responding, some of the time?
Where exactly is the line, for you? (Zero work talk vs I’m available for emergencies, for instance.)
And what are you willing to do to defend that line?
When you confuse, you lose.
Mixed messages in your personal brand, your resume, and your boundaries will work against you. Every time. If there’s any confusion, people will plow forward with whichever choice is the clearest or whatever works best for them.
First and foremost, get clear on your desired line. If your boundaries aren’t firm to you, they won’t be clear to others.
For instance, decide if:
- You want total separation from work on the weekends
- You’re willing to accept emergency requests, and if so, what defines an acceptable emergency. Literally write down what those acceptable emergency requests are.
- Emails are okay, but no texts or calls, please.
You might be wondering what’s “allowed.” What will your boss accept? Shouldn’t that be the first question? The answer is no. Always look inward to establish what matters to you. Only when you’re clear on your truth is it time to check it against the external culture.
By the way, for this first step, only decide where your line is. You don’t even need to know, yet, what you’ll do if the line is crossed. That comes next, but don’t let your fears about what action you’ll “have to” take keep you muddy about what you want.
What action will you take to protect your boundary?
Even if you rest for awhile at the first step – knowing what boundary you want, but not yet willing or able to take action when it is crossed – you’ll likely feel some relief.
Then, when you’re ready, decide what you’ll do to enforce your boundary. Some options include weekend changes like:
- turn off your work email
- turn off notifications on your phone
- limit your phone and computer time
It really can be that simple.
Will you get push back?
It’s a near certainty that you’ll evoke a response. If you’ve been responsive during your downtime, you’ll likely get push back when you stop. Especially at first. But most people will adjust.
If you’re consistent, do a great job during working hours (which, by the way, is much more likely when your boundaries assure your brain and body their recovery time), and are respectful, most people will come around.
Their behavior might not change. They might continue to work weekends. They might continue to ping you throughout. But if your boundary is clear and you take the actions to protect it, their behavior won’t matter to you one bit.
If the push back is severe and unrelenting, you get to decide. Do you want to work within your workplace’s culture of neverending expectations or does your desire for weekend downtime matter more? You get to choose your priority.
Go forth, and enjoy your weekend boundary.
If your response to a boundary violation is a big emotion, like frustration, that’s great information. Your anger signals an opportunity to clarify an element of your boundary line or your chosen action in response to its having been crossed.
Once the line and action are clearly in place, for you, other people’s behaviors won’t elicit a charged response. You’ll trust the boundary and skip happily along with your weekend.
Toddlers test to learn limits and teenagers push to expand them, but both littles and teens benefit from clear and safe boundaries.
Similarly, your boss and coworkers poke the edges of your boundaries partly in order to get their needs met. And like the young ones, while they might push back against your boundaries, your boss may also appreciate knowing yours and respect you more for them.
Here’s a secret: sometimes when you take good care of yourself and your boundaries, people do change their behavior toward you. The trick is to detach entirely from that outcome, which you can’t control, and focus your energy on you and your actions, which you can.
Want more support defining and practicing boundaries? Let’s talk. Click here to set up a free discovery call.
Got other questions you’d like me to address? Submit them here. I’d love to hear from you!