You’re suffering. Or you might be, if you let yourself acknowledge what you’re thinking and feeling. If you’re anything like me and my clients, you’re probably great at avoiding that pain and fear, ignoring it, strong-arming it, channeling it into busyness, or numbing it.
But sometimes painful thoughts slip through, like, “The pandemic ruined everything.” I should be content with this career, life, or relationship, because there’s nothing better out there. And so on.
What does your pain, fear, or resistance look like?
Take a moment, right now, to turn inward.
What painful thoughts are looming in the back of your mind?
What fears whisper in your ear?
What does your resistance look like?
When and where do these show up for you?
Here’s a secret.
All your efforts to avoid pain, whatever the pain is, won’t make it go away.
But when you turn toward it, when you allow yourself to acknowledge those thoughts and feelings, allow them, dare I suggest feel them?
You’ll likely experience relief in some form.
The relief of actually feeling the grief that’s been knocking on your door.
Of finally allowing self-care and respite, when you acknowledge your needs
The relief of knowing what needs to change.
When you don’t acknowledge your pain, when you avoid it by venting, complaining, numbing, etc., you also avoid the guidance and inner wisdom that can lead you.
Pain versus vision.
You may think change should always come from a vision of something better.
But suffering motivates, especially at the beginning.
A vision of what you want often starts with clarity about what you don’t want.
The change equation.
Social scientists have come up with an equation for change. The short version goes like this:
(Pain + Vision) > Resistance = Change
Let’s break it down:
The combination of Pain and Vision, if greater than Resistance, leads to Change. So you could have a gorgeous vision (V) but if your resistance (R) is greater, you won’t get there.
But if your discomfort (P) is great enough to overcome resistance (R, things like fear, stuckness, or numbing out), you’ll still create change.
What value would you give your Pain and your Vision? Your Resistance?
You don’t need to know what exactly you want yet in order to create a better life. You could do that simply by feeling your pain. When you do, you’ll likely be motivated to shift out of resistance and into something better.
That’s how I found my calling and you can, too.
10 years ago, I got sick. Really sick, with an autoimmune disease. And then I was diagnosed with another and another. I was so sick I could barely type, much less write resumes, which was my business – Rainmaker Resumes. I was pretty much bedridden.
You can find the long version of my story right here, or in the video above, where New York Times bestselling author, Martha Beck, Ph. D., told me I was the horse and my soul was the rider.
The short version is this: My painful belief was that I could no longer have the life of my dreams. But it turned out that by paying attention to the pain, instead of trying to ignore or override it, I began to change little things, like how I thought. And then big things changed, like how I ran my business. Some of them worked way better. And before long, I was happier and making a more powerful impact than I’d imagined, without the pain, fear, and resistance I’d so wanted to avoid.
So, if you’re thinking that you’ll never know your calling or that you can’t live it because (insert painful thought here), I want you to notice your discomfort, your pains and fears.
Notice the ways you resist them.
And even if its just for a moment, turn toward the pain. Name it. Allow yourself to acknowledge it.
That pain might just be your soul guiding you.